Anyone can be a graphic designer. Isn’t that why they created Microsoft Publisher?

I have had to rely on pricy graphic designers for too long.  Being part of my company's marketing department*, I started out with the same procedures as everyone who had previously filled my position.  I would come up with brilliant ideas that I knew would bring in the customers.  Then, I would list all of the vendors I needed to contact to figure out the cost of putting my brilliant ideas into operation.   The last vendor on my list of contacts was always my least favorite.  I dreaded contacting the graphic design agency. My ideas always seemed to lose their momentum when the designers stepped in.  They would gripe about the color that I chose, saying it was impossible to print (that is just ridiculous), or tell me that drawing in one dimension is not possible.  They always came up with some lame excuse as to why they couldn’t do what I wanted them to do.  Finally, when the recession hit, I was able to make my move. 

My bosses loved the work that the designers were doing, but the recession gave me a reason to break from sending them anymore work.  We needed to cut costs and I found the perfect answer: Microsoft Publisher.  I don’t mean to toot my own horn, but I know how to use the program pretty well.  I told my bosses how amazing I am at creating graphics in Microsoft Publisher, and I outlined the cost savings of cutting out the designers.  They were skeptical at first, but after I finished explaining the cost savings, they went for it. 

I have taken over the graphic design needs for my company using Microsoft Publisher.  Gone are the constraints of using graphic designers.  Never again will I hear “the images you sent to work from were pulled from the internet, they are too low resolution to print well,” or “we will not copy someone else’s work,” or “the color you chose on screen is not a good representation of what will actually print.”  I never have to hear any of that again.  I am now free to design what I want, using fonts that are copyrighted, colors that won’t print well, and I am free from the constant whining about how what I want designed is copyright infringement.  I don’t care if the program I use to create my brilliant ideas produces “not print ready” files.  I can print what I design in Publisher on my own printer, so that should mean that it is a print ready file. I will use whatever fonts I want, I will create a brochure that doesn’t fold well and expect that the printer will fix it.  I will find the one printing company in town that accepts Microsoft Publisher files and I will demand my money back when it doesn’t print the way it looks on my monitor.  I will force them to read my mind on whether or not I expect a full bleed and whether or not I chose royal blue or purple for my designs.  I will create artwork based on what I think will work, whether or not it makes others cringe.  I like the look of unbalanced designs with five or more different fonts, photos that are fuzzy, 6pt illegible fonts, and drop shadows that look like the image is being lit with a 5000 Watt light bulb.  I am a marketing genius that design my own graphics using Microsoft Publisher and I am glad that I no longer have to pay those worthless graphic designers.

*The writer of the above piece was fired immediately after publishing this article.